Poorly Worded Comebacks
by Anne-Marie Helston
Summary: After a humiliating debacle involving Caroline and an atrociously ridiculous reply, Lizzy goes to Charlotte's place for the comfort and advice only a best friend can give. However, when Char tries to teach Lizzy a lesson, Lizzy wonders whether she needs more education in poorly worded comebacks or the right time for role-playing situations.


"Well, I hope Bill Collins proposes to you. … And your mom. …" Lizzy's voice was halting, stilted, full of the humiliating knowledge that the very words she uttered proved only that she was the failure in this situation.

Charlotte, her best friend, was looking at her in undisguised disbelief. She paused slightly, and with a hesitation asked, "You didn't really say that, did you?"

Lizzy winced, her green eyes expressive. "Yes," she said, raising her voice at the end, making it sound like a question. Like she was questioning herself. She wasn't generally so inept, so profoundly stupid when it came to words.

"You know," Charlotte stated, "I'm your best friend. That entitles me to certain rights."

"I already shared my Cocoa-Licious double-choco spiced froth hot cocoa brew with whipped cream on top. Isn't that enough?" Lizzy said, very reasonably she believed. The empty cup stood between the two girls on the table in Charlotte's dining room. She now hated that cup. It was all the cup's fault that she was here seeking consolation from her best friend in the first place. And now Charlotte had sipped half of the cup's contents, and who knows what kind of friendship privileges she was calling in now.

"That was tasty, but you need to hear this: You're brilliant with words on paper, which you know. You wouldn't have received those academic scholarships otherwise. Brilliant enough to be published in that journal, the _Fancy Word Snobs_ thing they print on campus," Charlotte began.

"_The Academic Look into Literature of the Old World,_" corrected Lizzy, pushing the empty, traitorous cup back and forth between her hands.

"Right. Because that's a better title than _Fancy Word Snobs_," Charlotte snorted.

"It's not an accurate representation. It's not _The Sesquipedalian Gazette_," Lizzy retorted, pushing the cup over and sending a drop or two of the brown liquid splashing out onto the table.

"I'm not even going to ask what that means," Charlotte deadpanned. "Too many syllables that aren't in my field of study. But what I was saying-"

Lizzy interrupted while smearing the drops around with her finger, "_Sesquipedalian_: adjective. When used to describe a word, polysyllabic. Otherwise, characterized by long words, or being long-winded."

Charlotte up righted the cup. "I don't know why you have definitions of so many words memorized. That's ridiculous. And probably why you have lousy comebacks. Which leads me to my point."

"Does this have something to do with your rights?"

"Yup. As your best friend, I can, and must, admit that you're brilliant. But I am also legally obligated to tell you that you're stupid," Charlotte ignored the protest Lizzy gave by means of messing up her hot cocoa doodles, and continued. "You write words all day long, but you're an idiot when it comes to verbal communication."

"False! I'm very clever at witty repartee and banter. I'm also very sincere and considerate in my methods of including people in the conversations going on," Lizzy objected.

Charlotte pushed her medium brown hair behind her ear and conceded, "I'll give you that one. You can be a real charmer."

"The Dickens I _can_ be," muttered Lizzy, getting up to look for a napkin. "Char, your paper towel roll is empty, and you don't have any extras. Go shopping."

"You go shopping. You can get some soap to get that stuff off your fingers and off of my table," Char said while going over to her purse to fish about for a napkin. "Don't you have a napkin from Cocoa-Licious?"

"No, I already tossed it," Lizzy huffed, sitting back down at her spot at the table. The napkin had found its way to the trash as Lizzy had walked out the door of the student center on the way to Char's in an attempt to put the whole memory in the trash as well. She took off the lid from the cup and spilled the last few drops onto the table. "I feel like such an imbecile."

Char brought over some incredibly flimsy napkins she had found deep in her bag, probably from some early-morning bolting to class and grabbing a breakfast something from a fast food joint. She began wiping up the table, but Lizzy blocked her hand. "No. I need therapy."

"No, you need to learn how to respond less like a loser in critical moments," Char revealed. And then added, "Although, now that you mention it, therapy might not be bad either."

"Are you suggesting that you always have the right thing to say at the right moment?" Lizzy countered as her drawing finger increased its ferocity. "That you are capable of coming up with the perfect retort on the spot?"

Apparently inspired by her friend, Char began twirling the cup lid about while answering, "Of course not. My perfect comebacks always come to me later, like walking up the stairs after the fact, or while in the shower, or almost asleep. The almost asleep one is the worst, since it reminds me of the horror of the moment, and I can't sleep anymore."

"Then why don't I find you coming to me for comfort and sharing YOUR Cocoa-Licious double-choco spiced froth hot cocoa brew with whipped cream on top with ME more often?" Lizzy demanded. Now both index fingers were involved with the tabletop artwork. It was getting sticky as the sugary liquid began to dry.

"Because I know how to shut up instead of making a fool of myself," Char said very honestly.

Lizzy slammed both of her hands down into her mess. "It's that Caroline. I can't stand her. She's so rude. Jane loves Chuck, which, I admit, is a detestable nickname for Charles. Why not Charlie? But she loves him nonetheless. And that means I play nice with his family. But she's so rude!"

"Would you rather spend time with her or Darcy, though?" Char queried.

There was a pause. "Maybe … Maybe Darcy?"

Char blinked her brown eyes, and admitted, "I didn't see that one coming. You've had it in for him since he called you a-"

"And he also intimated that my sister was just trying to get at Chuck's family goods, which is preposterous, and obviously false," added Lizzy. "But he doesn't initiate sickeningly sweet conversations with me, just to turn on a dime and insult my family, clothes, ideas, and exhalation methods. Caroline does."

"Although, in Darcy's defense, Jane is a shy girl. She isn't overly affectionate in public. No PDA for her or her man."

Lizzy sniffed, "Just because he isn't privy to their affections doesn't mean he should judge her intentions."

"I didn't say that it did," Charlotte protested. "I was only saying that I can see where his concerns may be coming from."

"No, no excuses for him. He's rude and stuck up, and refuses to admit that Jane is good enough for Chuck. It's Chuck who should be proving his worth to Jane!" Lizzy said adamantly.

There was silence inside while a fierce wintery wind pushed snow across the window panes. It was cozy in Char's place, a nice little apartment. A pot of soup was boiling on the stove, filling the place with a homey smell. Plump cushions on the couch invited comfortable conversations and visits. And all of this was lost on a very down-put Lizzy, who decided that it wasn't the cup's fault that she had decided to cut through the student center after visiting Cocoa-Licious. It was cold outside! She had wanted to walk in the warmth. The cud hadn't known Caroline would be in the student center as well. No, there was only one person to blame here.

"Stupid Caroline," she muttered viciously, peeling and reapplying her hands to the gooey cocoa remains on the table. It made a weird pulling sensation, like when Elmer's school glue had dried on your hands.

Char suddenly clapped her hands and stood up. "I know! Up, up, up!"

"What? No. I'm moping. Leave me alone."

"We're going to role-play," Char announced. "I'll be Caroline, you be you."

"I can't do that. You'll just fuel my rage, and Jane is going to be here soon. We're going to meet Chuck and the other two for dinner." A grimace. "I'm going to be a fifth wheel. Again."

"Come on," coaxed Char. "I'll stop making defenses in Darcy's behalf."

Lizzy was tempted. Though not a proponent for Char defending the slanderous Darcy, she also didn't know how wise it was to role-play situations in which she got to tear into Caroline. Rousing her rage and dander towards the woman right before having dinner with her was hardly the smart thing to do. Relations would already be strained as it was after their run-in this morning. And with Darcy there as well, Lizzy didn't know how well she could keep herself in check.

"Alright, I'll do it," agreed Lizzy, standing up. She held her sticky hands out and away from her. Wisdom be hanged. She had been wronged this morning, and she needed to learn to keep her cool. Or at the very least, to keep her mouth shut.

Rubbing her hands together like an evil banker, Char grinned. "Perfect. Here. I'm Caroline." She grabbed a dishcloth from the oven handle and tossed it about her neck, imitating Caroline's ever-present fashion scarves. "I'll be a rude pain, and you either give me a good comeback, or keep your lips zipped."

"Cool. Right. Got it," Lizzy said, bracing herself. Just thinking about this morning was aggravating, especially since she'd gotten the short end of the stick.

Charlotte sauntered up to Lizzy, hips out and a hand delicately perched at her collarbone, and drawled, "Why Eliza, here again? With more books? Do you ever do anything recreational?"

"Why do you ask, Caroline?"

"I was merely asking after your well-being. Clearly you need to get out more, let yourself have some real relaxation. Some interpersonal communication. I'd say a date, but I think it's clear that's not an option." 

"What does that mean?! She didn't say it like that!" Lizzy grimaced.

"But it's clearly what she meant. Now shut up and respond. Go with it."

"I- dating isn't bad," Lizzy faltered.

"No, it isn't. But I wouldn't date either if my only choices were Billy Collins or that Denny boy. So … unique. I shudder to think of it. Unfortunately, those seem to be the only kind of men you attract!" Charlotte was really laying it on thick.

Lizzy did little hops of frustration and disappointment in her lack of response. Then she smiled, and walked up to her friend. "Caroline or Charlotte, you're both jerks. Marry Bill Collins in this sticky face mask!" she crowed triumphantly. And then promptly smeared her hands all over Char's unsuspecting face.

"Hey!" Char cried. "Just for that, I'm defending Darcy against whatever you say! And take this!" Charlotte lunged for the cup on the table, but Lizzy got there first.

"Ighs! Darcy! Another person I'd love to tell off!" Lizzy exclaimed, running away from Charlotte who had seized the still drop-covered lid from the table. "Rude people!"

"I'll show you rude people! My face is a sticky mess now!" Charlotte said. The girls were running about the kitchen and dining room combo, making a bit of a ruckus as they dodged about the table.

"Since you're already sticky, and I'm already sticky, how about we just leave it at that?" Lizzy tendered her peace negotiations.

"You stickied yourself on purpose. You stickied me against my will. I'm going to retaliate!" Charlotte threatened, leaping at Lizzy again. "Since we're on the subject of rude people, tell me about Darcy so I can prove you wrong about him. He's really sweet."

With a grunt-snarl, Lizzy broke out loudly, "That Darcy! I'd love to just walk up to him and say- OOF, Char!" She pulled the lid off her head, and started pulling her hair into a frazzled mess, mixing in the drops from Char's attack, and the sticky from her hands. "You judged me from the moment you laid eyes on me, and called me a second-rate looker and a first-rate brownnoser, just because I spent the evening talking to my intellectual crush instead of being wooed by the shortage of men at the English and Humanities opening. You called my sister's integrity into question because she doesn't like PDA. You send me snooty, disapproving looks whenever we're together." A moment to dive away from a soaked washcloth now being wielded as Charlotte's weapon of choice. "You, sir, are rude, arrogant, and harsh. You dole out permanent labels before you know all of the situation. You don't care about the feelings of others. You hate me, and I most definitely ha-"

Lizzy swiveled to get away from Char, and found herself looking directly at the torso of one William Darcy. There was a _glop _as Char's sopping cloth hit the floor. It was silent enough to hear the _glop._ It was too silent. Lizzy's eyes traveled up Darcy's impeccably manly and well fitted pea coat, past his untied red and gray scarf, over his surprised face, and finally, to his eyes. She couldn't miss the open, hurt expression. She had never seen him so readable before.

Jane and Chuck were standing close by him, stunned. Lizzy stood frozen, cup and lid in hand, hair standing askew from the gel the cocoa drops had formed. Char stiff and motionless a foot behind her, hand still raised to deliver a whopping blow to the back of Lizzy's head. The only sound was the rattling pot lid on the boiling soup.

No one spoke. Lizzy felt strained. She looked everywhere but Darcy. She had never been able to so articulately express her feelings in a rage, and now? Now she felt torn. Torn between the satisfaction of venting her feelings, and guilt for descending to Caroline's level. Caroline, who thankfully wasn't here at all. That was a small relief.

"We just…" Chuck started, then stopped. "We knocked, but no one answered. We could hear you moving around, though. So we thought to come…" He fell silent again.

Chuck nudged Jane with his arm. Jane shook her head, and said tentatively, "The roads are pretty bad from the storm. We thought we'd stay and have some of that soup Char offered earlier. If that's still alright."

With the silence broken, Char resumed life, albeit abashedly, and said, "Of course. Of course. Sorry about the, uh, mess. Um, here. Let's put your coats over on the couch for now. Then I'll mop up the table."

"Let me," Chuck offered. "I'm happy to help."

"And I'll get the bowls and such out, since I know where they are," Jane suggested.

"Thank you," Charlotte said in acceptance.

As people began moving about, putting coats and scarves down, getting into the kitchen, Lizzy and Darcy stayed just as they were. She realized that she still had brown stuff on her face and hands. Acting rude and looking like a fool. And then being caught in the act. This was so not her day. She wondered if he still wore that painful expression.

She moved forward to pass him and go to the bathroom to wash up. By some power she couldn't explain, Lizzy felt her eyes being pulled off the floor and up to meet his as if they were magnetized. When their gazes locked, so did her legs. They stood side by side, his body facing kitchen, hers facing the living room, heads turned to each other. Just looking at each other. Lizzy felt Darcy searching her face, looking for answers.

"I don't hate you," he said quietly. At her surprised start, he leaned towards her slightly. "Not at all."

"Oh," was all Lizzy could manage, along with some blinks. Here we are, back to being speechless in the face of a difficult situation.

"Do you really…" here Darcy hesitated, then stopped.

He didn't hate her. That was news.

"And I don't think you're a second-rate looker and a first-rate brownnoser. I was having a miserable day, and being an absolute boor about it. I'm sorry."

"Oh." If there was one thing she could say about Darcy right now, it was that he was definitely an attractive man. Even when he was the biggest jerk around, he was still the best looking one. Especially now, with some freshly melted snow on his dark curly hair and the dark lashes fringing his deep gray eyes. And the scarf brushing up against his face, emphasizing his strong masculine jaw. But, she wasn't actually going to say that aloud. Instead, she settled with repeating, "Oh."

"Do you really hate me?"

"Oh. I, erm, I-" Lizzy flustered for words. _Can one fluster for words?_ she thought. Apparently yes. She was doing so now.

Thankfully, Jane came by and touched her shoulder, giving her an excuse to quit talking and break her eye contact with Darcy. "Let's go get you cleaned up, what do you say?" Jane said with a smile.

Lizzy walked with Jane back to the bathroom, where she allowed Jane to freshen her up. Jane told her about her day so far, and why Caroline wasn't with them. Lizzy wasn't really listening. For the second time today, someone had said something to her, and she had been unable to think of an adequate reply. This time, however, it wasn't because she was angry. It was because she was confused. Her gut feelings and opinions about his gut feelings and opinions were wrong.

It looked like Lizzy needed to do some thinking. About this situation with Darcy, and, possibly more importantly, this situation with poorly worded comebacks.


End file.
